Many of us have body image disturbances at some point in our life. The idea that an individual has never looked at their physique in the mirror at any point in their life without wanting to change something about their body is unlikely. Despite the volume of books, academic articles, and podcasts I have read or listened to over the past few years that delve into the mechanisms of the unconscious mind as they relate to body image, I, too, have my own body image disturbances at times. Recently, I went through a negative body image experience that I want to share.
Recently, after a weekend of eating without much thought, I was feeling softer, watery, and fluffy, and I found myself wanting to start a cut plan to tighten up, as it is summertime. Therefore, I took some progress photos to start this cut phase that I had in mind. I do not take progress photos or weigh myself nearly as much as I did when I competed in bodybuilding. I weigh myself a couple of times per month and take progress photos every 4-6 months now, which is much further apart than I recommend for my clients (progress photos every 2-3 weeks), who are actively focused on achieving physique-related goals. As I took these photos, I was thinking about what I could do to lean out, and then I looked at the photos and realized that I wasn’t in the shape I had emotionally felt before taking them. Therefore, I did not initiate a cut phase; instead, I continued following my typical nutritional approach, which suited my lifestyle. I also increased my water intake that day, and I woke up the next morning feeling tighter. Often, when a client returns from a vacation or a weekend of untracked eating, similar to what I did, I advise them to increase their water intake that week and focus on being consistent with their nutrition with the expectation that they will feel leaner and tighter by the end of the week.
Why does this happen?
Why do we have an emotional response that often results in us feeling like we look worse than what we do?
Several excellent books, such as Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, When the Body Says No, and The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate, highlight the concept that adult behaviors are reflections of childhood experiences. Many of these experiences are unconscious responses to some experience in childhood. Peter Levine states in his book that traumatic reactions often track back to early childhood and that the traumatic response is valid regardless of how anyone else perceives it. There are two points to be made in this statement.
The first point is that our prior life experiences impact our adult behaviors. I often talk to clients about substituting the word trauma for experience, as trauma has more of a harsh connotation to it. I believe that all of us can agree that we have experienced something in our past that shapes our behavior today. One of my favorite statements was written by William James, who states in his Principles of Psychology that experience A impacts experience B, and that experience A and B, in turn, impact experience C, and so on. The argument cannot be made that what happens at this moment, whether positive, neutral, or negative, would not impact one minute from now in some way whether consciously or unconsciously.
The second point is that these experiences are unique to an individual regardless of how someone else would respond to the same experience. If an experience is significant to you, then it is significant. Gabor Mate refers to the idea that “little T” trauma, or “big T” trauma, is impactful on our body and psyche. For many of us, it is the “little T” traumas, such as not feeling seen, heard, or valued as a child, that fall under the category of emotional neglect that leads to a silent increase in cortisol over time that shapes how we feel about ourselves, and for some, lead to the habitual development of emotional eating. The “little” experiences in childhood that are hard to recognize and that may not stand out like a much “bigger” experience (trauma) are the experiences that leave many of us confused as to why we put so much emotional investment into our body image that can lead to emotional or stress eating, as well as for some a hyper fixation on macro or calorie counting.
A review by Gonzalez et al. (2022), examining 45 studies on emotional eating tendencies, concluded that both positive and negative emotions play a significant role in food consumption, with negative emotions having the most significant impact on eating behavior, which is established in childhood and persists into adulthood. I competed in bodybuilding for many years; before that, I used the gym and nutrition to become as physically strong as possible. In high school and college, I used the same approach to become a better athlete. As I reflect on my 15-year-old self who started studying Bill Phillips’s book, The Body for Life and learned how to read food labels, create a diet on notebook paper where I tracked every gram of protein, carbohydrate, and fat while totaling the calories at the end of every day at the bottom which ultimately led to my ability memorize most foods macros that I still rely on today when constructing client’s nutritional plans. This was the way to track food before the internet took off, as I had books with the average macros listed for food items, as opposed to access to apps like MyFitnessPal, which is available today to look up macros on command. I was often told how disciplined I was in tracking my food and how independent I became as I learned to cook my own 5-6 meals daily from that age on. Now I reflect back and think, why did I feel the need to do this? One of the ideas that I often consider is that I was frequently praised for “working hard,” which led to perfectionist behavior. If I received a low grade in a class, I was told I needed to improve it, and when I did, I received praise. When I hit a home run in Little League, I got praised by getting a treat or taking out to my favorite meal. Both scenarios reflect positive and negative emotions that echo the previously mentioned review.
As a parent, I would encourage my children to improve their grades in school by working harder, and I would also praise them when they do something well. While this article is not about parenting strategies, the point is clear that innocent parenting strategies can impact the child’s association with validation and positive feelings such as a favorite food after validation feels good. This is because a young child with a developing prefrontal cortex does not process incoming information in the same way as an adult with a fully developed brain. Therefore, the association of success is often linked to praise, whereas failures, such as bad grades or strike outs, likely did not receive praise, which teaches a child that praise is associated with good outcomes. The harder I worked, the more praise I got. One reason I started logging my macros and counting my calories in a notebook at such a young age is that I believed I was working extra hard to excel at my sport, and having a good physique meant I would be a better athlete (which I later showed in a college thesis was not the case for peak athletic performance). This is something I still have work to do on my journey, but this example is intended to show how an ordinary childhood experience that many of us would associate with a positive childhood upbringing can lead to connections that negatively impact someone’s body image as an adult.
At present, as a 41-year-old adult, I still had an emotional response to a weekend of unplanned eating, which was an unconscious trigger activation of failing that led back to the association of following a rigid diet plan, which meant I was good again. Now, I have the self-awareness to make these connections, so rather than reverting to a rigid diet, I reminded myself to increase my water intake that day and woke up the next morning feeling normal simply by following my standard nutritional patterns. For me, I associate a structured eating plan with success. For others, falling back on a rigid diet plan can lead to feelings of control and a sense of emotional safety. The point is when we find ourselves experiencing these types of emotions associated with a few days of deviating from our perceived standard nutrition approaches, and we start to feel like we don’t like our physique, our physique is just the surface. Rather than focusing on altering our physique in the short term, we should consider why we feel this way and what emotional reaction is stemming from it. The body image is only a portion, and it may be just the surface, with further unconscious triggers lying underneath. For me, it’s about healing that 15-year-old boy who felt he had to be perfect in his diet and training protocols to feel successful.
Like I tell my clients, the progress photos help us be more objective. After I saw my photos, I realized that my physique was in a good place, which ended my reaction of feeling the need to start a rigid two-week diet and exercise protocol. As the emotions surrounding body image subsided, I then began to think more about what was behind the mirror and how I could continue to heal my inner child. The reality is that we will never be “cured,” which is okay. The idea is to be curious and open, allowing us to explore ourselves and further our growth and development to become our best selves.
Reference
Fuente González, C. E., Chávez-Servín, J. L., de la Torre-Carbot, K., Ronquillo González, D., Aguilera Barreiro, M. D. L. Á., & Ojeda Navarro, L. R. (2022). Relationship between emotional eating, consumption of hyperpalatable energy‐dense foods, and indicators of nutritional status: A systematic review. Journal of Obesity, 2022(1), 4243868. https://doi.org/10.1155/2022/4243868
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